On Nick on friends

This is a response to a blog post by my dear friend, Nick. So go read that first and give some context to the following.

Done? Ok. Here's my answer to his questions:

I change who I talk to based on what I'm talking about and what sort of comfort I'm seeking. In return, I expect friends to do the same when seeking comfort from me.

I don't think it's a secret that the friend mentioned in Nick's original post is me, and I also don't think it's a secret that I've got a bit of an ice queen reputation (a friend said to me once in the middle of a semi-public somewhat alcohol induced meltdown, "at least people can see you have a heart"). Referring to my personality as "not touchy-feely" may be an understatement. . My reception of bad news goes like this: have a total freak out meltdown, take a nap, wake up and figure out how to deal with and possibly laugh about it. In rare occasions that my system doesn't cut it (extreme heartbreak, jail, death of a loved one) I tend to retreat to myself for awhile, maybe take a few more naps. For all my creative tendencies and interests, I'm realistic and analytical when it comes to affairs of the heart/emotions. So if you come to me with relationship troubles or confusion about your life's purpose or a fight with your roommate, I might not literally suggest we go drink it off, but I will give you a no-nonsense opinion, possibly some tough love, and then move on. That certainly doesn't make me the most nurturing or emotionally available companion, and it's a hopelessly unromantic way to function, but it doesn't make me a bad friend, either.

Like Shrek, I and my friendships have onion-like layers. Different friends fulfill different functions and, likewise, you fulfill certain functions in their life. Real friends know what those functions are, and don't seek out anything other than what a person is capable of/willing to give. What I mean is, you can't expect a friend to be everything to you all the time. People are unique and show their love in different ways. If you're a Hallmark movie watcher, you can't expect your friend with a robot heart to scrutinize your boyfriend and cry with you for four hours. Likewise, if your the analytical type, don't expect your "let's talk about feeeeeeelings" friend to sit down and pore over the details of your color coded pro/con lists every time you have a decision to make.

I have friends who I talk to about relationships. I have friends who I talk to about writing. I have friends who I talk to over beers. I have friends who share celebrity gossip. I have friends who share music. I have friends who literally let me cry on their shoulder. I have friends who'd prefer we keep things on the surface. I have friends who span several categories. A person concerned with being a good friend will recognize and appreciate the differences of the people in their life and, in turn (hopefully), that understanding will be reciprocated.

So say a friend comes to me with some sort of conundrum about a significant other or another friend or a co-worker. I comiserate about what a jerk that person is for a minute. Then I start asking questions in my annoying analytical way, and try to make said friend think about things in a more rational way. And then I usually suggest we go get drunk. Does my method work for everyone and every problem? No. But I'm lucky enough to have smart friends who know how I operate, and will go elsewhere to find different consolation without feeling abandoned. It's about knowing your friends. And if you are at the point in your life I am right now and still don't know the important people in your life well enough for everything I said to apply, you should probably rethink your relationships.