In defense of my temporary stagnation

[This is the second installation of BLOG WARS. BLOG WARS is an ongoing series of intense competitive blogging between my dear friend Nick and I. We muse on the same topic, and our responses fight to the death. Actually, it's not competitive at all. It just sounds cooler to say it is. It's really just us being nerds. Anyway, onward.]

Nick sez: Kim told me once that it's incredibly difficult to look for a job when you have one full time.

I sez: I wouldn't know the first thing about having a full-time job, but I'd argue that looking for a job when you don't have one is incredibly difficult for a whole other set of reasons.

Allow me to wax autobiographically for a moment, so you can understand where I'm coming from with this argument: In May of 2008, I graduated from SVSU with a major in English (professional and technical writing, specifically. PTW people get weird about calling it an English major) and minors in graphic design and communication. I had spent 2 years working for the campus fine arts publication, Cardinal Sins, first as a lowly editorial staff member, then as editor-in-chief, and then demoting myself back to a general staff member.

On paper, that lady looks like she's on the fast track to success. But then I throw a wrench in things by telling you that I was completely uninterested by everything involved in my chosen major and minors. I'm not saying they aren't good programs, lots of my cohorts were busy learning great things and producing quality work, I was just clearly not programmed to do the same. Creative writing courses gave me a reprieve (at least I was studying/writing things that interested me) and folks started bring up the possibility of grad school, but it was too little too late. And then, about a week before I would graduate with a degree I'd spent months already regretting, I got arrested. And though the hammer of justice certainly did not come down as hard as it could have, I was fragile enough that it didn't take much force to crush me emotionally and financially.

Thus began my painful bout of temporary stagnation.

I’d never felt more than a brief moment of self-doubt in my life, and experiencing it at such a crucial time was, to put it lightly, not easy. Just so I’m not a hypocrite, in regards to my previous rant about people thinking they are special: I don’t think I’m special. I think most people my age are just getting past the point of being handed participation ribbons instead of rejections. It’s easy to start thinking you suck. My generation is, for the most part, extremely coddled. It’s not easy to leave the Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood of college or high school or the job you’ve been in forever. It’s familiar and you know what to expect. Even if it’s horrible at times, you can foresee those horrible times and usually have people around to commiserate. But starting over…building a career, going to grad school…you are on your own with no idea what to expect. It’s easy to doubt that things will ever get rolling. And the worst thing is that self-doubt is even more powerful than self confidence. Confidence can let you move the proverbial mountains, doubt will turn you into one. I know it did me.

So, maybe, just maybe, sometimes we don’t try that hard to look for jobs. Maybe when we should be searching Monster we are trolling Facebook. And there have probably been a few nights where we could have studied a little harder instead of staying for one last beer, and maybe that would have given us a leg up in the long run. But if there’s anything I’ve learned during my stagnation period (and, in fact, I’ve learned a lot) it’s that nobody is perfect, for crying out loud. We could spend all day every day chasing the holy grail of the perfect job, but when we get there will we be living in a place we enjoy? Will we have time for our hobbies? Will we keep au fait on our loved ones, or let relationships fade? These things are important. Having a beer with an old friend is important. There, I said it. And I don’t feel guilty when something fun gets in the way of being productive. You know how when someone goes on a diet and cuts themselves off from every food they like, and then is either miserable or slips up and gorges? That’s sort of how I feel about the whole moving on thing. It’s been in those moments of frivolity and vice that I’ve figured out some important things. I’ve had the time to attend and help out with events that have solidified my ideas about art and community. I’ve gotten some of my most encouraging words concerning grad school from text exchanges while I’m bored at my crappy retail job. So, I mean, maybe goofing off has its strong points. Or maybe I’m justifying my nonsense. That’s certainly up for debate.

Ok, so let me try to summarize my rambling. Let me break it down, for your sake and mine: the world outside your comfort zone is mean and scary. You have to face it. But maybe you don’t have to face it right this second, and maybe you don’t have to face it every day. Maybe you can find the small beautiful moments even when your life feels lost in transition. I think, at least I speculate, that this might be something you never stop struggling with.

As for me, my wheels are starting to turn.